mindlessly panicking in this general vicinity

I've always felt like I have a strange relationship with my future. Growing up, you always know it's eventually going to happen, but you have no idea what it's going to look like or feel like, or how it will change you. I feel like I probably have written about this before, but now it's become something so constantly on my mind, I'm starting to feel like I can't function as smoothly as I should. My senior year of high school starts in just over a month and I'm panicking. I'm panicking so hard.

Suddenly I realize I have actual summer work to do. Starting on Friday, I'll be on vacation in California for ten days, so that kind of throws that out of the window for actually focused work. I'll have time to read the assigned books, but that's it. Plus, one of them is Hemingway and I kind of hate him. His writing is over romanticized and boring. But I swear to god, the thing that is really going to push me over the edge of general nervousness into full blown anxiety is going to be college.

Thanks to the absolutely amazing system in my schools, I haven't actually taken an art class since sixth grade, because I play an instrument. I want to major in fashion design. I want to eventually go into costume design and work in New York and live in New York. I would prefer to go to art school. To get into art school, I need a fucking portfolio. Which I do not have. And have no idea how to make one.

I like to draw, yeah, okay. That's fine. But I have no experience with anything other than paper and pencil. I don't know how to paint. I don't know anything about the theory behind anything. I constantly feel like I'm already so far behind there is no time for me to catch up. I need to reteach myself how to sew and then actually sew something. I'm trying to overcompensate by taking two art classes this year, but the class at my school that's made for developing portfolios I'm not allowed to take because I haven't taken any art classes in high school, because I've been taking music classes.

I'm so fucking petrified that nothing will go right. Is that normal? I know that once I get there everything will be fine, but I can't shake the feeling that there is a huge chance I won't ever get there.

1 comment:

  1. I'm about to go to uni, am nearly twenty and still freak the hell out about this all the time. You constantly have a future and your constantly wanting to mould it in some way! I wish you lots of luck in your art studies, I think just thinking about it and taking some active steps towards a goal, sticks you out of the 'crowd'.


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