My Room is a Warzone

Hey you guys. It's finally the weekend and I could cry I'm so relieved. I officially have no obligations to anyone for the next two days.

So tonight, I feel like talking about my room. It's not actually a war zone, like the title states, unless you count the fact that it's usually so messy that you can't see the floor. No. My room is perfect. I have stuff on all of my walls, and it's so beautiful and colorful. I hate the cold and the temperature in here is always a few degrees warmer than the rest of the house too. At this exact moment, I'm snuggled under the covers on my bed, convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the most comfortable place on earth. If I could survive here, I wouldn't ever move.

In all honestly, this room is my happy place. It's were I go to be entirely at peace. I can hide around up here and relish the joy of being absolutely alone. This feeling is like being surrounded by a field of silence where there's no movement and I can let my bones melt into the ground. Sometimes I just need to let myself disappear for a little bit, and this space gives me something to come home to when the rest of the world doesn't do anything but burn into little pieces.

Anyway, I'm almost falling asleep over the keyboard so I'm going to sign off. Thanks for reading guys.


The Future

January is almost over you guys! My mid-terms are next week, but I feel like its actually two weeks ago. Why does it seem like this school year is going so fast? I don't feel old enough to be in high school, let alone starting to look at colleges and start planning my future.

The problem with junior year is not only that it starts off with all of the pressure just piling one, but it seems that every adult has collectively decided that my career interests are literally the only thing worth talking about anymore. Which is fantastic, because I don't actually have any idea what I want to do with my life. The other day when I went to my guidance counselor to start discussing schools, she asked for any potential majors I'd be interested in and after a minute I managed a tentative "history...and animals?". I ended up with the lovely combination of international affairs, zoology, and marine biology. And then I immediately went home and started contemplating possibly becoming a doctor or a journalist.

Am I just an impossible commitment phobe? Everything I've ever wanted to be has either been instantly counted out because its entirely unrealistic (goodbye cowgirl dreams) or I've obsessed over until I spiraled into a panic and questioned whether I had any interest in anything. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer or involved in fashion some way but I'm the opposite of creative and I barely get anytime to sew or practice. In eighth grade I went through a little psychologist phase after reading It's Kind of a Funny Story where I was insistent that I would help people with major mental health problems. Then I decided that I would be monumentally awful at that. Last year I was absolutely convinced that I would be going to Med school and joining the navy. That whole thing lasted longer than you'd expect, and my interest in becoming a doctor has only waned a little since the realization that I wince at blood.

Even now, when I'm actually signed up for college visits and just about able to get my actual drivers license, I don't feel like I even have a fighting chance in the real world. All I've ever wanted was to travel and now that I'm starting to face the reality of my future I see it happening less and less.

Why does moving on have to be so hard? Sometimes I wish I could pause the universe for a while. If i could be suspended in limbo at this moment, I'd be happy to just drift for a while.

On a much more impressive note (in my opinion), as of yesterday I successfully watched five seasons of Scrubs in five days. It was totally awesome. I'm in the middle of the sixth season now and I just love this show. I haven't binge watched that many things before so not only do I feel sun- and sleep-deprived, but I've already begin the process where I latch onto my favorite character emotionally and start subconsciously mimicking their particular speech patterns. I was fortunate enough to become emotionally attached to Dr. Cox, so not only has my use of sarcasm shot through the freaking roof, but my mid-sentence pauses have been getting longer too.

Also, it's been nice going through all my "ooooh my fuuutuuure" angst while watching this show. It's just nice having something  that goes along the same lines as how your feeling.

That was really rambly guys, I know, but these posts that are basically me just typing for an extended amount of time have helped me a lot. It might be obvious, but I've been having a lot of trouble with anxiety for a while now and just being able to write these out make me feel so much better.

I'll write again soon, I promise. Thanks, and goodnight.


Sometimes, in my moments of weakness, I try to make myself think about him without smiling. And then I realize that I can't. And I wonder how I ever could have thought I didn't love him anymore. 


a.k.a. "I thought this post would be done by Saturday"

Do you ever have one of those ridiculous moments where you just have to stop and stare at your hand, and all you can do is just stop and wonder that we're all humans? We're literally just strangely evolved animals that eat their food off of plates,  and we have this super weird language/way of communication that's basically just everyone grunting, but we have hundreds of specific ways of grunting and all of those ways to grunt mean something different in different places. And the grunting has dialects. I have these moments on an alarmingly regular basis, and usually during dinner so I also get to worry my parents with my many revelations. One of these times happened just a few hours ago so I thought I'd try to finally verbalize it.

It just makes me feel so impossibly small. At the same time it makes me feel an incredible amount of pride to just be alive, like I'm swelling up and glowing until I just consume the whole world. There's so much potential. It's exhilarating. When I get like this I like to lay in bed and listen to Lana Del Ray for hours while my mind debates whether or not it would be worth it to spiral into yet another existential crisis. Perhaps I have those a bit to often for someone my age. The rush of embracing life makes it worth the effort; there's almost nothing comparable.

I'm staring at my hands as I type this (and not only because I need to look at the keyboard to avoid extra typos) and feel like all of the energy in the world is running through my veins to my fingertips. Moments like these make me feel happiness in one of the purest ways I can remember feeling, like daisies and light and yellow have exploded out of my chest and I can't help but smile. I could do anything right now. I could post this and then pick up a notebook and start writing the world next great work of literature or practice drawing until I can create something truly beautiful.

And that's something else too. I just feel this unbelievable urge to create and just spend my whole life writing and drawing and dancing and singing until I can emerge from my cave and be happy. I want that more than anything.

Maybe this will be a good year after all.

1. http://teganjackson.blogspot.com/; 2. Filipa Aurelio's tumblr; 3. from the Ulysses series by Miles Donovan; 4. Unknown


A Whole New Year

In the over-all scheme of  things, the beginning of a new year isn't all that big of a deal. It's something fun to celebrate, and it's an excuse to stay up all night drinking sparkling cider. However, it has been officially one year since I started this blog!! Happy birthday, I guess.

Actually I'm a little late, but no biggie.

I realize that updates weren't consistent in any form of the word, but I actually kept up with it, which I am honestly surprised by. I love having this as a place to rant or vent or obsess if I need the outlet, and I truly appreciate it if you've taken the time over the past year to drop by and read what I have to say. I know that there are a million things we could be doing with our time at any minute, so if you've decided that this blog was work your time, I owe you a thousand thanks.

Now on to brighter things in the new year! I'm not a huge resolution person because, as far as I'm aware, this blog has been the only resolution I've ever made that I successfully stood by. Therefore, I've decided that there is something wrong with New Year's resolutions. How are people even supposed to remember these things? Why do they need the encouragement of a change on the calender to decide that now is the right time to start improving themselves? I guess I'm a hypocrite though, because I love making new year's resolutions. The idea that a new year can bring a new slate is a wonderful one; the idea of second chances and a fresh start. I just hate that they always end up being things to try and make myself better. Yeah, I can promise myself that I'm actually going to keep my school work neat, organized, and color coded, but that has no bearing on the fact that my backpack is inevitably a disaster zone by the second month of school. So this year my resolutions are just goals that I have, have had for a while now, and aren't going to try and alter any cornerstones of my being.


  • get an actual, real-life job and save the money
  • get driver's license
  • practice rollerskating on pavement
  • run away with my best friend to new York for a weekend (parental permission highly recommended)
  • dye my hair again
  • learn how to skateboard
  • take advantage of Netflix access to watch every movie ever made

And there you have it! Morgan's list of goals to hopefully accomplish in the new year.

Thanks for listening to me guys, and a happy new year to you all. I'll see you soon.