a.k.a. "I thought this post would be done by Saturday"

Do you ever have one of those ridiculous moments where you just have to stop and stare at your hand, and all you can do is just stop and wonder that we're all humans? We're literally just strangely evolved animals that eat their food off of plates,  and we have this super weird language/way of communication that's basically just everyone grunting, but we have hundreds of specific ways of grunting and all of those ways to grunt mean something different in different places. And the grunting has dialects. I have these moments on an alarmingly regular basis, and usually during dinner so I also get to worry my parents with my many revelations. One of these times happened just a few hours ago so I thought I'd try to finally verbalize it.

It just makes me feel so impossibly small. At the same time it makes me feel an incredible amount of pride to just be alive, like I'm swelling up and glowing until I just consume the whole world. There's so much potential. It's exhilarating. When I get like this I like to lay in bed and listen to Lana Del Ray for hours while my mind debates whether or not it would be worth it to spiral into yet another existential crisis. Perhaps I have those a bit to often for someone my age. The rush of embracing life makes it worth the effort; there's almost nothing comparable.

I'm staring at my hands as I type this (and not only because I need to look at the keyboard to avoid extra typos) and feel like all of the energy in the world is running through my veins to my fingertips. Moments like these make me feel happiness in one of the purest ways I can remember feeling, like daisies and light and yellow have exploded out of my chest and I can't help but smile. I could do anything right now. I could post this and then pick up a notebook and start writing the world next great work of literature or practice drawing until I can create something truly beautiful.

And that's something else too. I just feel this unbelievable urge to create and just spend my whole life writing and drawing and dancing and singing until I can emerge from my cave and be happy. I want that more than anything.

Maybe this will be a good year after all.

1. http://teganjackson.blogspot.com/; 2. Filipa Aurelio's tumblr; 3. from the Ulysses series by Miles Donovan; 4. Unknown

A Whole New Year

In the over-all scheme of  things, the beginning of a new year isn't all that big of a deal. It's something fun to celebrate, and it's an excuse to stay up all night drinking sparkling cider. However, it has been officially one year since I started this blog!! Happy birthday, I guess.

Actually I'm a little late, but no biggie.

I realize that updates weren't consistent in any form of the word, but I actually kept up with it, which I am honestly surprised by. I love having this as a place to rant or vent or obsess if I need the outlet, and I truly appreciate it if you've taken the time over the past year to drop by and read what I have to say. I know that there are a million things we could be doing with our time at any minute, so if you've decided that this blog was work your time, I owe you a thousand thanks.

Now on to brighter things in the new year! I'm not a huge resolution person because, as far as I'm aware, this blog has been the only resolution I've ever made that I successfully stood by. Therefore, I've decided that there is something wrong with New Year's resolutions. How are people even supposed to remember these things? Why do they need the encouragement of a change on the calender to decide that now is the right time to start improving themselves? I guess I'm a hypocrite though, because I love making new year's resolutions. The idea that a new year can bring a new slate is a wonderful one; the idea of second chances and a fresh start. I just hate that they always end up being things to try and make myself better. Yeah, I can promise myself that I'm actually going to keep my school work neat, organized, and color coded, but that has no bearing on the fact that my backpack is inevitably a disaster zone by the second month of school. So this year my resolutions are just goals that I have, have had for a while now, and aren't going to try and alter any cornerstones of my being.

NEW YEAR'S/ALL YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

• get an actual, real-life job and save the money
• get driver's license
• practice rollerskating on pavement
• run away with my best friend to new York for a weekend (parental permission highly recommended)
• dye my hair again
• learn how to skateboard
• take advantage of Netflix access to watch every movie ever made

And there you have it! Morgan's list of goals to hopefully accomplish in the new year.

Thanks for listening to me guys, and a happy new year to you all. I'll see you soon.

Holidays (plus a Diary entry)

Hey everyone! Happy Holidays :)

I know I've been completely absent, but school has started to become overwhelming and adding this blog to my list of things to fret about would have been too much. However, school is kind of what I want to talk about right now. Not coherently, or even with an end-goal point to make; I just need to get all of this stuff off of my chest.

I'm a junior in an American high school, a.k.a., "The Hardest Year of High School." I personally refer to it as Hell Year in my head. I chronically procrastinate, but it's never really affected me until now, and it's starting to completely freak me out. The work keeps piling up, not to mention the fact that I'm taking pretty difficult classes. I'm genuinely frightened by how much I have to do. I shouldn't even be writing this. I'd literally rather do anything than sit down and do what I have to do. My parents have been so disappointed by what I've done this year; they keep telling me that it's not acceptable, that this year is going to bring me down the rest of my life, and that I'm so much smarter than what I'm doing. That I can do better. My teachers do the same thing.

Why does our school system do this to people? I've never had anxiety before in my life, but this school year has brought me to tears more times than I can count. It's not fair. There are so many things that I can do, but all of it is invalidated by my academic accomplishments. My friends at school aren't struggling the way that I am, but thinking about talking to them about this makes me panic. I feel like this is my burden to bear, it's not worth bothering people over some thing that doesn't really matter.

I feel like I'm completely breaking down. Nothing is going right, and I just hate everything a bit more everyday.

Sorry for the rant you guys, but I feel a bit better now.

I'll talk to you all again soon.

Update, cause I suck at this

Hey guys! I know, it's been a while. I just had the most amazing day yesterday and wanted to write about it. 

I went to New York on Friday. It was on a trip with my school to see an opera at the metropolitan opera house; we saw Tosca. Considering the only time I was out side was walking to and from the bus, I didn't get to see much of the city, but it was enough to remind me just how much I love it there. The air smells like exhaust fumes and cigarettes and people and I just want it to soak into my soul, into my bones until it's a fundamental part of my being. 

This is starting to sound like a bad love letter so I'm gonna wrap it up. 

I've been busy but I'll be back soon! 

Reflection

Lately I've been a bit dissatisfied with my posts on the blog and what I've been wanting to write. I don't really want it to become me regurgitation pictures a few times a week; I want to be writing things that actually matter to me. Looking over past posts, the first few feel like they have more of a point whereas the last couple have been wandering and kind of pointless. What I've been thinking, is that instead of trying to actually chronicle my day-to-day, there are going to be more essay type posts like my sluts post or my love/hate letter to romance novels. Just updating everyone!! So have an awesome day and I'll see you soon.