Small Update

This blog is still a thing! My laptop is broken and has been for a few months and I hate writing on my phone so I haven't been able to post anything. I've also made a few personal decisions I'm still trying to orient myself to, and intend to change the theme of my posts to reflect that. This is going to be less of a diary type blog as soon as I get everything back together. 

mindlessly panicking in this general vicinity

I've always felt like I have a strange relationship with my future. Growing up, you always know it's eventually going to happen, but you have no idea what it's going to look like or feel like, or how it will change you. I feel like I probably have written about this before, but now it's become something so constantly on my mind, I'm starting to feel like I can't function as smoothly as I should. My senior year of high school starts in just over a month and I'm panicking. I'm panicking so hard.

Suddenly I realize I have actual summer work to do. Starting on Friday, I'll be on vacation in California for ten days, so that kind of throws that out of the window for actually focused work. I'll have time to read the assigned books, but that's it. Plus, one of them is Hemingway and I kind of hate him. His writing is over romanticized and boring. But I swear to god, the thing that is really going to push me over the edge of general nervousness into full blown anxiety is going to be college.

Thanks to the absolutely amazing system in my schools, I haven't actually taken an art class since sixth grade, because I play an instrument. I want to major in fashion design. I want to eventually go into costume design and work in New York and live in New York. I would prefer to go to art school. To get into art school, I need a fucking portfolio. Which I do not have. And have no idea how to make one.

I like to draw, yeah, okay. That's fine. But I have no experience with anything other than paper and pencil. I don't know how to paint. I don't know anything about the theory behind anything. I constantly feel like I'm already so far behind there is no time for me to catch up. I need to reteach myself how to sew and then actually sew something. I'm trying to overcompensate by taking two art classes this year, but the class at my school that's made for developing portfolios I'm not allowed to take because I haven't taken any art classes in high school, because I've been taking music classes.

I'm so fucking petrified that nothing will go right. Is that normal? I know that once I get there everything will be fine, but I can't shake the feeling that there is a huge chance I won't ever get there.

Philadelphia Comic-Con!!

Hello again! I feel like its barely been any time since I've seen you! probably because I started writing this within two minutes of posting the last one. anyway, you can see what this one is about!!

I've never been to a convention before, and my dad had never been to a comic convention before, though he did go to quite a few Star Trek cons back in the day, so we were both pretty pumped. We went on the Saturday (so...June 22nd? I think?) and there were so many people and everyone was excited, and wearing either awesome costumes or awesome t-shirts.

Mostly I just walked around, staring at all of the amazing booths. I spent twenty minutes at one artist's table debating whether I should get a winter soldier print or a captain America print. I ended up picking the winter soldier print which was really fucking lucky because ten minutes latter I found out that SEBASTIAN STAN WAS AT THE CON. And then I sprinted to where his table was because his line from signing was all gone so you could literally just walk up as say hello but I got there SECONDS after he left. I couldn't believe it. There may or may not have been some pouting involved. 

It was a lot of walking around, and just taking the time to soak the whole experience in. I took pictures with three different Loki's which was really cool. So many people all loving the same things together just makes me really happy.

Oh look! It's Merida again!

Fortunately for me, my dad is amazing and awesome and wonderful, and he got me a little ticket thing so I could get Sebastian Stan's signature! He went off to look around, and I sprinted over to watch the Winter Soldier panel with Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan (which was great, Mackie really stole the show) before speed walking back to Stan's booth, where I discovered that my dad had gotten in line for me a while back, and I could join the line much more towards the front than I had anticipated.

Because I was by myself at the panel, I managed to sneak up pretty close to the front!

Sebastian was adorable and awesome and complemented the picture as he signed and then got distracted by Mackie at the table over and started yelling at him. Then he started signing the picture in a different spot, so it said "To Morgan" in two different places. I was treated to a very nice long extended "SHIT" which was really fucking cute pretty funny actually before he finished up the signature thing. It was all very cute and I was smiling like a lunatic the whole time.

It was just a very nice day. I have one particular friend who is my go-to soul mate for all things fangirl, and I texted her the whole day too. And, I got an awesome Incredible Hulk shirt, which was harder than you'd think because apparently it is the law that all Hulk shirts totally suck or are for very small children.

I can't wait to go again next year, and hopefully for more than just one of the days. And I want to cosplay next year! Which should be fun. My fangirl soul mate friend and I already have like four pairs of people we want to go as. I'd be Bucky, she'd be Cap. I'd be Anna, she'd be Elsa. She's totally awesome and I love her and her sense of humor is the best. We go to see all of the Marvel movies together, and she's just as obsessed with Sherlock as I am.

Well, I seem to have gotten a little off track there. In conclusion, I loved it, I love Sebastian Stan, I love Anthony Mackie, I love my dad, I love comics, I love movies, I love TV shows, I love my fangirl soul mate friend, I loved everything.

Lots of love. See you guys soon. :)

Disney World!!

Hello all! I've finally decided to get off of my ass and start actually updating this, so its gonna be a few rapid fire posts just to get everyone up to date, since I'm actually going back a few months with all this stuff. Also, the cord to connect my phone to my laptop broke, so I haven't been able to move any of my pictures over.

Anyway, believe it or not, I went to Disney in April!! It was a trip with my school band and it was absolutely amazing. We left on a Thursday afternoon, and bused down overnight. I happen to be one of those gifted with the ability to fall asleep anywhere, and my best friend (who sat next to me) is not, so in the morning she was a little grumpy that my inert body had blocked her way out of the seats all night. Our director gave us all our tickets, and off we went to explore!

We started in the parks early on Friday afternoon at Hollywood Studio and began breaking off into groups. My two friends and I decided that the tree of us would stick together, since the rest of the people assigned to our designated grown up were all two years younger than us. The tickets were jumper passes too, which gave us entry to all of the parks on all of the days we were there, so we basically were set free to roam as we wished over the entirety of Disney World.

I'm really cute, I know

It was fucking awesome. There was no rush to do "family" things, nor any obligation to be anywhere at any time, except back at the buses at nine every night to go to the hotel. My friends I was with don't like roller coasters, so we had time to look at how amazing the sets all are, and see more than I did last time I went.

Do you see that cityscape? That is FLAT. I can't, you guys. I cant even

Obviously, there were some band obligations, so we actually had a really cool Disney clinic on Saturday morning where we learned about sight reading, and techniques to become more confident musicians. It was a room set up for recordings, so we got to hear ourselves on playback almost immediately, and adjust our playing for the next take. In the end, we played a selection of "A Whole New World" that was then synced up to the video from the movie. On Sunday morning, we performed in Downtown Disney, and let me tell you, it was REALLY HUMID and all black doesn't really vibe with humid Florida.

They were putting on a show about dreams and TRU LOVE. The best part was when Maleficent showed up in a puff of smoke, and disappeared the same way

Anyway, back to the good stuff.  I got to go on my favorite ride, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, twice, and we visited all of the parks (mostly two in a day, so Hollywood studios and the Magic Kingdom, Epcot and the Animal Kingdom) and we went to see the Finding Nemo Musical, which was really cute. but the highlight THE HIGHLIGHT BEST PART EVER  of the trip, was when I got to meet Merida.

It was Sunday before our performance, so we had to be back at the buses by 11, I think, and so we were in the Magic Kingdom trying to figure out which of the places on our meal vouchers opened before one in the after noon.We walked across the park to one that looked okay and served more than just chicken nuggets and I kept looking around like "Oh my god, those are the clan flags from Brave! What are they doing here?"
And suddenly, across the path from our group, I saw them opening up the line to meet Merida! And when i say opening up I literally mean that when I got in line I was only behind like maybe seven families.

So I wait in line for a while, cause guess what? There are actually two levels of line. So you wait in the outside line, and then you get moved to the inside-the-area line. So I guess I was technically behind thirteen families. Eventually my group had to get their food without me because I refused to leave the line. But I got in, finally, and when it was my turn gave my phone to the camera guy, who did an awesome job, and I finally got up to Merida and we talked about how rough curly hair is maintenance wise, and how my mouse ears looked like bear ears, and she called me a curly-haired princess, and I maybe teared up I was so happy.

I can't even begin to explain how Merida even started to mean so much to me. I cherish that movie. Everything about it spoke to me and issues I was having with myself the first time I saw it. I'm the oldest daughter in my family, so that immediately struck something in me, and I don't have the easiest relationship with my mother, and I just love that movie and that character so much. I love it so much.

On our last day in Florida, we went to Universal Studios. I spent as much time as I could in Harry Potter world, but unfortunately, the roller coaster inside the castle made me majorly motion sick and I had to sit down and ride kiddie rides the rest of the day. I got an awesome key chain though. Gryffindor!

And then we drove back overnight again. YAAAYYYY.

I also managed to meet Rapunzel, Snow White, Tinkerbell, and one of Tinkerbell's friends. But like seriously though. Merida. I cried happy tears.

Well, signing off again for now! But I'll be back really really soon. I'm trying to divide events so they each have their own post, instead of some monster that no one will ever look through all the way. So long. :)

siren song of the counter culture

Hey everyone! I'm back from a break I was taking from life, pretty much, and I've been feeling a lot more like talking about things that have been bothering me. I mean, the point of this was to finally get my feelings out into the world, so I might as well. Get ready, I don't think this is going to be pretty.

Mostly, I'm struggling with this thought that I've been wasting a lot of time. We're learning about the 1950s in my history class, and the beginnings of rock and roll along with the development of youth culture has been a fairly significant part of the last week. I love all of it, and I think it's really interesting, but my teacher has this way of stating for a fact that everyone is going to settle down and have a family someday that puts me on edge. The other day he said something along the lines of:

"Teenagehood is the age of rebellion. It always has been. Your parents knew that too, but one day you'll grow up and find that there is a game to be played, and if you want to win, people realize that it's better to fall into those lines."

And suddenly I was sitting there in class, filled with abject terror that someday I would think that way too. Does it happen all at once? Will I suddenly wake up one day at twenty three and decide that the counter culture fostered and nurtured by teenagers is no longer worth it? Or is it more like a slow, crawling death, where I watch everything that I used to love draining of color until they aren't interesting anymore?

I have adored the idea of rebellion and counter culture and the gorgeous underbelly of society for so long, but I haven't done anything about it for fear of ostracizing myself. I don't want that to matter any more. I thought I was waiting until I had more opportunity, or more money, or more time. Apparently that window closes the moment I grow up. Wasn't college supposed to be my time of rebellion too?

I don't want to waste anything else. I want to discover new music, new people, new problems, and new places, until I can tell him that he's wrong wrong wrong wrong and that I will fight back against anything I want to for as long as I can. It may not come as a surprise, but growing older is probably my greatest fear. The knowledge that someday I'll have to slow down, take smaller steps, stop taking leaps of faith, horrifies me. My life right now has been the best I can ever remember and I know that there's still years yet for it to get even better but at the moment I'm loathe to leave it in my past.

Teenagers will always be the ones that are changing the world. When has anything  happened in pop culture that wasn't spearheaded by a group of passionate and rebellious young people? When has anything happened ever without young people shoving it into the light of day?

I want to change the world. I want to incite rebellion, start a movement, lead a crusade. I want my life to be burning fire, sparks flying and wings spreading until I become a part of the undeniable history of the universe. The sanctity of the teenage years doesn't come from the glorious hell that is puberty; the sanctity of the teenage years comes from our first roots of self expression as people who are beginning to have a say into what's happening in the world. Teenagers are known as difficult and rebellious because it's our time of self discovery, and the selves we are discovering aren't happy with the fucked up world that is being handed to us. Don't invalidate the rebellion of teenagers just because someday you think we'll fall in line and play the game. There is no game! The only game is the one that you and your generation have perpetuated to keep yourselves on top. Don't discredit our desire for things to change, and don't contradict us when we say that what you see for us in our future is not what we want for ourselves. 

And yes, this has basically turned into a rant, because I am angry. Teenagers are so important to the future and the thought that everything I am now is being written off as whimsy before I settle in is so disrespectful. I am not someone who needs to be tolerated  until I grow up and become what you deem an acceptable adult. That is you telling me that what I feel and what I think isn't valid until I grow out of it and start catering to society's standards for me. And that is unacceptable.

This is the same anger that I feel when I think about the way I am treated and considered as a teenage girl as well. This is the same teacher that predicts a marriage, and a husband, and a bunch of kids for everyone, and I want to scream that he has no right to tell us what we want, and he has no right to decide that this future is our only option. I want to shout about stupid and unfair dress codes, and discrimination in the government, and the whining about unfair standards from boys who will grow up to make more money than me because I was born female. I don't want to be told that all of this is just a part of typical teenage contrary-ness, that yeah, feminism is totally a thing and there aren't really any groups that are treated as second class citizens any more. I am not a woman who needs to be pandered to until I agree with the way you interpret modern womanhood. 

And so I'm going to take this fucking anger, and I am going to manifest it in something beautiful and dangerous, and I am going to spit in the face of people who think young people, young girls, are irrelevant to today or the future. I will rebel now, and if I ever wake up someday thinking that nothing needs to change, I will rebel again. I will travel and learn new things, and I will protest until you can hear me. And I will win the stupid game, because I have shattered it and reshaped it until it is unrecognizable as what you knew. I will win because I have changed the fucking game.